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To those we love dearly, we can utilize our relationship, and that safety and security specifically, to provide a model for how we reach for comfort.
This is an exact question I’ve asked in relationships in my life. It is a question I’ve searched on Google for, because I felt like something was wrong when I wasn’t able to share those emotions or deepest parts of myself with those in my life. I realize logic plays a key factor throughout our lives—as a student, I needed to absorb the knowledge in front of me, but I also needed to apply those skillsets and information to tasks I needed to complete to succeed. In relationships on the other hand, I found it hard to share my emotions simply because I was so used to trying to understand the source of it, “where is this coming from?”
If I could pinpoint where that sensation in my body was coming from, what caused it to appear, then I knew I might be able to get through it the next time it came back up.
In relationships, we are given the heavy task of sharing parts of ourselves, that maybe we’re not used to, with our partners. I say heavy, because for me, I relied solely on myself to understand the sources of my emotional pain. When I did this—It looked something like this,
1. My stomach starts to sink, and I feel sick to my stomach.
2. I go into my head to assess, what’s going on here?
3. I think, well this is what just happened here and run through the incident.
4. I start to understand how maybe when this person did this or this happened, it made my stomach drop.
5. In my mind, it makes perfect sense that I could be feeling anxious right now.
6. Now that I’ve worked through that, I’m fine.
In this situation, maybe I’ve learned grasp how to analyze and look logically at what’s going on in this given moment in my life. On the other hand, say your partner specifically does something that irks you. If I start to feel this anxious, sinking feeling in my stomach, then it’s important to process what’s going on in that moment.
Again, it’s very easy at times to react to what’s happening in the moment, especially when you’ve endured trauma from relationships in your past. If you weren’t able to communicate or receive comfort when you were struggling, you might learn your emotions or needs are irrelevant and unimportant to others.
In this situation, I have the responsibility, if I’m building that secure attachment with my partner, to look outside of this logical safety net and turn to them and help them understand what’s going on. At times in relationships, we want our partners to understand that we’re hurt, but they’ve also received a message about how to internalize or externalize their own emotional experiences as well. If they’re struggling and you’re struggling to communicate, it might be hard to perceive what you’re trying to communicate to them, and you might get upset if they fail to receive your message.
On the other hand, if you’ve relied solely on turning to logic to analyze what’s going on in that moment, even if you understand the emotion—you can miss out on processing that emotion, so your loved one understands what you need there and how to approach a similar situation in the future.
Logic or reasoning is an integral part of processing our emotions, especially if we’re having trouble communicating with our partner. In those six steps listed above, I could do the same thing, opening up my heart to try and let my partner understand what is also happening in that moment. When I rely solely on myself to process what’s happening, I don’t let others understand how to comfort me when I’m struggling.
To those we love dearly, we can utilize our relationship, and that safety and security specifically, to provide a model for how we reach for comfort.
While there is a logical basis for what’s happening in the moment, there is emotion tied to it that, if we process it with someone we love and trust, we can confide in them when our own head is a place of chaos or overwhelming questioning.
If you feel that you might relate to these steps or thoughts in your mind in your relationship, you might also hear your partner saying,
1. “You don’t want to connect with me.”
2. “You don’t open up to me.”
3. “I feel like you don’t trust me.”
4. “You aren’t vulnerable or open with me.”
5. or, “Do you not feel safe with me?”
There are various other statements and questions that can coincide with this particular issue of logic and reasoning, but if we need help processing our emotions, and our partner is unable to hear what’s going on in our mind, we can shut them out and create distance and create a wedge in that relationship.
If you’re struggling to process your emotions with your partner or loved one, or you’re finding it difficult to rely on yourself to understand what’s going on—let’s work together to process what’s happening there and how to build that safety and security in your relationship(s). It’s our role to maintain that secure bond with you, so that you can embrace that model and build that with your relationship as well.
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