Cultivating Secure Attachment During the Holidays

This holiday season can evoke or stir up old wounds or patterns that have either gone unnoticed, or feel familiar because of our own past attachment experiences. During this season, I often like to emphasize the value of exploring places in your relationship to maintain consistency and create purposeful space for connection.

Why Secure Attachment Matters During this Time?

Secure attachment creates a tether for trust . . . in how we respond to what's happening within ourselves AND who we can turn to when we need support. For the holiday season, many people are reminded of the estrangement of family members or loved ones, ambiguous or immediate loss, or a culmination of painful reminders or memories. Therefore, when we have a safe haven and secure base to feel fully heard, seen, and understood, it creates an opportunity to heal . . . seeing that someone will honor this pain and respond in a way that both normalizes and validates our experience.

In the same way that clients I've sat with have endured varying levels of loss or trauma, the impact of these dynamics have often come after years of ruptures, disrespected boundaries, or patterns of failed repairs when they've taken the risks to open up . . . but have experienced the same pain over and over again.

In this space, I want to let you know:

No matter what time in your life, the work you've already done, or the chances you've given, your experience matters. Know that your grief, loss, pain, sadness, anger, or frustration deserve space.

How can we cultivate a safe space to honor these feelings during this time?

1. Find space to create your own rituals of connection, to self & with your partner:

   1. Find some level of a routine for yourself: Often, clients might find comfort in recognizing there is something in the pattern of their routine that gives them purpose and a sense of stability. This provides them consistency that they might not feel otherwise.

   2. Create opportunities to connect to yourself: Spend meaningful time with yourself (practice grounding by setting aside time for a walk in nature, practicing yoga or mindful breathwork, or go be somewhere that allows you to feel present and in tune with what's happening around you).

   3. With your partner, create meaningful moments of connection: Find rituals that give you space to deepen or have shared experiences (decide on a movie for movie night, and afterwards share what different scenes or moments brought up for you). You might also try preparing a meal for each other (get curious, ask about what meals or desserts bring your partner joy or comfort, and take turns preparing a meal for each other).

2. Set Boundaries for Yourself:

   1. Even when you recognize there are certain individuals you feel safe with in your family or other relationship dynamics, you might find yourself in a situation or environment with someone who evokes that sense of unease or discomfort: Create space to set boundaries, whether you let your partner know, "I want to be there for ________ (this long), and then we'll head out," or, "If __________ (this person) is present, I'd like to keep my distance, or stay close to (partner or other party)."

   2. You can decide to walk away when you need to, and just let someone who is safe know what's going on, if they can hold space for you.

3. Set aside just one moment during the holiday season to purposefully connect with a friend: Reach out to someone you haven't spoken with in a while, or a dear friend, and set up an easy coffee/tea date or walk in the park. Settle in, be cozy, and find space to just be with someone that is safe for you.

4. Find the support you need to manage traumas or old wounds that are actively triggering during this time: You might feel drawn to reach out to a therapist or other mental health practitioner during this time. If you are stuck feeling helpless, powerless, or still alone, IT'S OKAY. We're here to hold that experience in a way that is safe, unforced, and consistent.

5. BACK TO reconnection or repair: Decide if there are opportunities to repair with someone that has hurt you, or led to a raw spot in your relationship(s). Whether you're working with a loved one or a therapist, it's okay to create a safe atmosphere (so you know someone is present that will hold space for you) and set aside time to sit with someone who you see has done their own work, tried reaching back out, or is open to repair as well. It's YOUR CHOICE.

You get to decide on what needs you have around forming that security and safety during the holiday season. If you want to delegate more time to connect solely with your partner, emphasize space with family, or spend more quality time with self, those who love and truly support you will create a safe atmosphere to hear you, understand, and navigate paths for validating those needs.

I hope that this season is one that can bring you enlivenment and joy in ways that serve you and the relationships you cherish the most. I am here for you if you're looking for that extra helping hand. . . someone to hold that experience with intention and purpose.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

Tommy Lofgren,

MA LMHC NCC